Are You My Mother?

How Your Inner Child is Impacting Your Intimate Relationships

I want to share about a topic that is near and dear to my heart and an area that has been profoundly healing for me throughout my personal journey into becoming a woman unto herself. I’m referring to what you may know of as the inner child, or what I like to refer as, the child within.

For many years after I was first introduced to the idea that I had a child within, it felt rather nebulous, and I had trouble connecting to her.

It made sense given the high level of responsibility I took on as a child and throughout my adult life. Whenever my therapist/mentor encouraged me to connect to my inner child I would sort of brush her off and think to myself, “Okay, there she goes on again about this.” It just did not resonate.

I know this is a common response for so many. Then one day it just clicked and I exclaimed, “Wow! I finally get how utterly crucial this work is for feeling whole again.”

These days, from my coaching chair, I’m honored to be helping clients connect the dots between their personal and professional struggles and their past wounding as a child. The way I see it is we don’t truly “grow up” until we’re able to separate our wounded child within from our adult self. This means not only recognizing the circumstances in which we’re reacting from our wounded child self but also honoring and tending to this vulnerable, tender part of ourselves.

Once we have established a relationship with our child within and understand her better, then we have the capacity to respond rather than react within our relationships, and couldn’t we all use that?

We each carry the energy, beliefs, conditioning and coping mechanisms we learned as a child into our “grown up” lives, some of them not so healthy. Our little ones were quite clever and smart to develop these ways, whether it was to feel safe, seen, heard, or accepted. They did what they had to to survive. Their little lives depended on it.

The problem becomes when the patterns we learned as a child just are not serving us as adults anymore, and more often than not, they’re getting in the way of having healthy, adult relationships.

As I lose my physical mother slowly to Alzheimer’s, I’m finding it especially critical that I connect with my little Karen. I can now give to little Karen, not only what my own mother can no longer give to her as much, but also what she could not receive as a child. This helps keep the space clear between me and my mom, and I can just love her for who she is.

Like most every mother out there who’s doing the best she can (big shout out to all the mother figures!) my mom was human and had her limitations and flaws. She could only give what she knew how to give…what she learned from her mother and her mother’s mother.

This means for example, my mom in all her distraction, busyness and juggling five kids, a mini farm and later a full time job could not give me the undivided personal attention I needed as a child. My core wounding became not feeling seen. I got really good at doing whatever I could to try to win her attention, including being a “good girl”. This then carried over into my adult life in the form of people pleasing and over-giving.

Relating this to my marriage as an example, my tendency used to be to feel really resentful and angry when my husband would pull out his phone in the middle of a fancy dinner out. We’d have arguments in the car on the way home (if I was aware enough of and willing to admit my anger). His behavior triggered my little Karen to feel like she wasn’t worth his time and attention and hence my old wounding was reinforced.

Nowadays if this happens I know I need to honor and give space for my emotions first and foremost. Then I need to reassure my little Karen that I see her and I’m always here for her. I’m giving her the mothering she needs. Then I’m ready to engage with my husband by communicating why his behavior hurts me and what my needs are. I can even make a request of him that next time could he check with me before checking his phone.

It’s way more effective to express myself from my adult self rather than my younger wounded self.

What’s really important is tending to my little Karen.

My child within needs consistent undivided attention from me as adult Karen, especially when times are tricky. By giving to her now what she couldn’t receive from her birth mother, I’m re-mothering myself.

From my years of working with women, and now more than ever given the traumas we’re living through, what I know for sure is that every women needs to mother (and father) herself, especially if she desires to feel whole again.

This is all a lot harder than it may sound, which means it takes practice and lots of support. In my experience it takes developing a relationship with your child within, and like any relationship, it grows over time. And it’s never too late to start!

Here’s some journaling prompts for connecting to and understanding your child within…

What did you not receive from your own mother that you wished you had?
How does this play out in your intimate relationship?
What does your partner do or not do that trips you up and how do you typically react? (no judgment)
How could you reclaim & connect to your child within?
What kind of nurturing does she need?
How could you communicate more from your adult self and less from your young self?

Here are some suggestions for how you can develop a relationship to your child within….

Dialogue with her in a journal (use different colored pens or use your non-dominant hand for the child’s voice)
Play, color, doodle, paint, dance, swing with her
Write her a letter — let her write back or draw you a picture
Keep a photo of her at your bedside or on your altar and everyday give her words of love & acceptance
Go shopping and let her pick out something she wants
Go for a walk/hike and see things from her perspective

And I’d love to hear what this stirs in you. Feel free to e-mail me.

If you’re interested in this type of deep inner work, with a spiritual center to return to over and over, I invite you to explore with me joining my next Circle of Women. We meet virtually and in person over the coming months. This sacred container is the nurturing space we all need to re-mother ourselves, and it provides the support we need as we create healthier relationships. E-mail me, and we’ll find a time to chat to explore if this is a good match. With all that we’ve been through and all that’s still chaotically swirling around us, it’s more important than ever to come out of isolation and disconnection and into true and sustainable sisterhood.

Karen Tasto has been holding sacred space for women to journey towards their whole selves for almost 20 years. Beginning as a yoga & meditation teacher and currently as a certified life coach, women’s circle facilitator, retreat leader, and certified JourneyDance guide, I am dedicated to supporting women in their quest to feel more alive, connected and whole. www.karentasto.com